March 2002 Issue - Essay # 11
Your
Father's Notes
By Mike Yarnall
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Tuesday, January 30, 2001 Okay
Tad, the pressure is on now. Your
mother wants me to supply her with some names.
I am to give her two lists, one list if you're male and one list
if you're female. I really
believe that we should get to wait until a child is, at a minimum, six
months old before we name them. What am I worrying about? With the gene pool that you have to work with, you being quiet and methodical, ain't really likely. I would be overjoyed if I could name you after my father, Jesse Yarnall. Anyway, hang on there, Tad. You only have about 8 ½ months to go. Wednesday,
January 31, 2001 So Tad, your mother and I went to dinner last evening and the discussion was completely monopolized by you. We were going over male and female names all night long. I need to tell you right now that you owe me big time! Trust me, if you are a male, you have no idea how I have already saved you. If it were up to Mom, you would be named, "Pierce, Brandon, or Ervin." What the hell is she thinking? Hey, Male-Tad, I have just saved you from of childhood of ass-beatings. Do you realize how tough you would have to be if we named you "Ervin?" Ervin. Unless "Magic Johnson" immediately follows it, you've already been assigned to a life as an accountant. No,
Male-Tad I'm leaning towards Jake, Cory, Jesse, Cole. Sounds pretty
tough, huh? Your mother keeps
reminding me that you will be raised in Scottsdale, Arizona, not the
city that I grew up in. You know,
you've got two parents with completely different upbringing. You are going to be one interesting child. Female-Tad, here is where we sit: We both like Megan. Actually, Megan Elizabeth, which is really a great name. I also like "Nicole, Samantha, Bobbi." I really think it's cute when a girl has a boy's nickname. What do you think? Your
mother has trouble picking out a girl's name because she keeps relating
the names to friends she has. I
think she thinks if we name you, say, Janet, and she knows a fat Janet,
we've assigned you to a life of being fat.
I'm sorry to say if that were true, you would have to spend
your life as "Miss Tiger Woods Yarnall."
I'll keep you posted on the name thing, but you probably know
how it turned out anyway. To be continued in the April 2002 issue...
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Author's Biography When I hear the name Mike
Yarnall, one word comes to mind: "Gladiator." Okay, sorry,
seriously: When not working, I am an avid sports fan and a runner. I've completed three marathons and recently have decided to give that stupid shit up. That's about it... E-mail Mike at MYarnall@Kronos.com
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