March 2003 Issue - Essay # 12
The
Brady Bunch With a Twist
By
AngelaMichelle Smith
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When I tell people I am the proud mother of seven beautiful children, I am often met with looks of disbelief or amazement. "How old are you?" is usually the inquiry I receive. When I go on to tell them my age--a ripe 29 years--the astonishment deepens. I suppose I can understand their awe. In order for me to have seven children I would have to had been one busy lady very early in life, or at least have a set of twins or two. But let me explain. I
have physically delivered four children, Ebonni Victoria, 13, Emanuel
Stefan-Akin, 10, Erin Cedric-Christopher, 7, and Erius Vaughn, 1.
When I married my husband four years ago, my circle of motherhood
widened to embrace my three stepdaughters: Misty Lynn, 14, Stephanie
Marie, 13, and Samantha Kaye, 11. Most
times, this explanation quiets the questioning, but when I break out the
mother’s brag book another level of wonderment takes hold. You
see, not only is the Smith household a combined family,
but it’s an inter-racial one as well.
So once the shock of me having seven children wears off, the
queries begin about how I handle parenting both black and white children
all in the same household. With
the challenges that come with being a stepparent under ordinary
circumstances, this bit of difference could complicate matters.
Honestly, for us it serves more as a complimentary aspect than
anything else and adds a few more colorful leaves to our family tree--
no pun intended. For
both my husband and myself the decision to combine our families was not
a planned and calculated move. We’d
worked together and had been friends for two years before we fell in
love. Because we were such
good friends, we never really gave much thought to the difference in our
skin tone. All we cared
about was that we were both people who offered the other comfort and
understanding, something we were lacking in our previous relationships. When
we began dating, we briefly discussed the possibilities of problems.
We both had been handed down subtle preconceived notions from our
parents and community. For
Vaughn, limited exposure to African-American culture played a big part
in his ignorance. There were
a few black faces in his school, but he’d never took the time to
actually know them or what they were about.
For me, while I’d spent every summer of my life in Leamington,
Ontario, and had various white friends, the unspoken disapproval of
inter-racial dating stopped me from becoming involved with anyone but
black men. Being the first
in our respective families to cross the color line, we knew we’d
encounter some forms of bias. We
felt equipped to handle them and never applied our limited view of the
other side of life to one another. When
it came to our children however, the question of how our union would
affect them arose shortly after we said our vows. Unlike
children born from an inter-racial marriage, our magnificent seven have
lived the majority of their lives separated by the great racial divide.
Not to say they were raised in a close-minded atmosphere; they
lived in Detroit, so contact with people of diverse ethnicities was
inevitable. But for the most
part they’d never really experienced anything outside of what their
race was privy to beyond what they saw on television or encountered in
passing. With our nuptials,
we were bringing both sets of children into a whole other realm of
parenting technique. How would they respond?
Would it have a negative or confusing affect on them in the long
run? Would their ethnic
identities be compromised? There
has always been a distinction in strategy between black and white
parents: the way they go about discipline, their manner of speaking to
their children, and how they convey life’s lessons.
Black parents, mothers especially, tend to be a lot firmer in how
they raise their offspring. They
closely discern what their children will be exposed to, how they will
conduct themselves, and what will come out of their mouths. In my
experience as a black mother and having a black mother, I can honestly
say we rear our children with a subtle boot-camp-like mentality--not to
say we are militaristic, but there is no question as to where we draw
our lines or what we expect. White
parents are a lot more lenient and accepting.
They allow their children the freedom to pick and choose for
themselves--living life by their own trial and error.
Of course, they set limitations and boundaries as well, but by
experience they are a lot more flexible than black parents.
Neither approach is better than the other, just different and
appropriate for each lifestyle. From
my stance in the beginning, I was anxious.
White children had a tendency to be a little more ‘adult-minded’
than what I was used to, and I wasn’t sure how my stepdaughters would
react to my Nubian maternal methodology.
Vaughn was not sure my children would respect him as an authority
figure since he was not hip to what black life was like.
To counter these apprehensions we made a clear plan of how we
would handle this adventure in parenting. Our
first ground rule was to make sure that we took on our child-rearing
partnership as a team. Whenever
there was a need for support or an area in which one of us lacked
expertise, the other would step in and pick up the slack.
There would be no opportunities for our children to place the end
against the middle with us because on all points we presented a united
front. Secondly,
we do not see our children in terms of color or from a ‘my children,
your children’ standpoint. When
we came together, we decided to share every aspect of ourselves, and
this would include our children. Collective they are all ours,
regardless of color or biological make-up. We relate to them all the
same, with allowances for their different personalities, as not to set
up a feeling of inequality. There
are no favorites, no one gets preferential treatment, and it is clearly
understood. Of
course, there have been situations that bring the racial issue to the
forefront for both Vaughn and me. Like
Ebonni’s diva-tude or Misty’s penchant for acting older than her 14
years. When those times
arise, my husband and I try to handle them from a general parenting
knowledge premise of things not to do, regardless of race. Vaughn’s
stance is that while he may not be able to relate to certain issues the
way a black father would, across the board he tries to be the best
father he can despite that. He
shows no less love or makes no less sacrifices for our four black
children than he does for our three white ones. In
general, our unique family structure provides each of us an opportunity
to broaden our perspective in a way foreign to us before.
It gives our children the advantage of experiencing other
cultures first-hand, and works to dispel stereotypes they may have held
before. There are other
elements outside of our household that have in the past caused some
complications, but we all share a strong bond that no amount of outside
prejudice can break. |
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Author's Biography AngelaMichelle Smith is a 29-year-old Michigan native, where she resides with her husband of four years and their seven children. A full-time freelance writer, Ms. Smith is a regular contributor to several online publications and is working on her first novel, "All Things Done In the Dark," for publication in the spring of 2004. E-mail
AngelaMichelle at vasmithenterprises@hotmail.com
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