October 9, 2001

My beautiful child ... Megan. Words cannot express how much I already love you. I went home to sleep on Tuesday night and got to the hospital at 7 AM . As soon as I saw you, I started crying uncontrollably. I can't believe how beautiful and wonderful you are. It's funny because for your first two days, your Mom and I were so worried about making sure that you were okay that we didn't get a chance to really enjoy you. That had drastically changed on Wednesday. 

We both want to hold you. We both want to look at you. On three separate occasions, I had to leave Mom's room because I kept crying when I looked at you. Frankly, it started getting a little embarrassing. I can't seem to accomplish anything because I just want to stare at you.

Your birth has opened up a portion of my heart that did not exist.

Your Grandma Stevens has been in town for the past week helping Mom and me figure out what the hell to do with you. We don't know what we would have done without her and, frankly, the fact that she's going back to Kansas soon is scaring the hell out of me. She has been priceless.

I have, however, shocked her with one thing, Megan: When you start crying and we can't figure out what is wrong, I immediately pick you up and start singing "King Of The Road" and it seems to calm you down. I think this will only work for the next few weeks, by then you realize that Dad has a horrible voice.

Mom and Grandma went out the other day for a few hours and you and I had a few moments to hang out together. It was amazing. I just lay there, for 45 minutes, with you on my chest just looking up at me. I will never forget that.

I know that on October 1, 2001 at 4:19 PM my life has changed in a way that I could never imagine. My little girl, my little princess, has stepped into my life. I've awakened in the middle of the night to walk over to your crib and just stare at you. I've kissed your forehead and cheek hundreds of times in the last week (sorry about the whiskers). I can't seem to think of anything else, but my little Megan.  

You know, kid, I have a ton of friends that have had their own Tads. I've heard them brag about their children and, to be honest, I didn't really get it. Sure, I thought their kids were kind of cute. However, I couldn't help but think that all newborns look like Carroll O'Connor. You know, bald, pudgy and constantly sporting a goofy bewildered look.  

But when I saw you, I finally understood how they felt.  

Well, Megan, I have been here thinking about how to end these "notes". How can I possibly put into words how wonderful and yet frightening this entire process has been? How can I impress upon you how much I love you?

I guess, in some sense, these notes will never end. For every day that I get to spend with you in my life, I will be writing another chapter to leave you. I won't be writing those notes down, but moreover, I will be living them. I will no longer, have to write you to tell you to "grow like a weed, you little shit" or write, "I love you".  I will be able to tell you every single day of your life that I love you with my whole heart and soul. I will be able to show you through my actions, that you being a part of our life is simply the greatest thing that has ever happened to Mom and me.

How can I possibly put into words how this process has been and how much I love you? I guess, that one is going to be up to you, kid.  For I believe that no matter what Mom and I say, until the day when you look up and see your own little Tad, you will never realize how much we love you.