May 2003 Issue - Essay # 9
Just
Three Months
By Linda
Napolitano
|
I
wasn’t impressed or particularly enthused when I read his e-mail and
his profile. I was interested and very curious, though. I, naturally,
said in my profile that I was a physically disabled woman looking for a
man who would be able to handle a relationship with a woman in a
wheelchair. I wondered what he was all about, why he would want a
relationship with someone with a disability, and did he think he could
handle this? I answered his e-mail and we wrote a few letters back and
forth. He gave me his phone number and asked me to call when I felt
comfortable enough to do so. I called him on January 3rd, and we spoke
on the phone every night until our actual meeting on January 12th. We
ordered take-out Italian and had a lovely dinner in my apartment. We
chatted about ourselves, he more than myself. I learned, before we met,
that he was once a physical therapist and had worked with many people
with disabilities and he seemed to know a lot about mine, a
neuromuscular condition. He also did volunteer work with the disabled
and, over the years, had known many disabled people. Upon our meeting,
he seemed totally at ease with me, helping me with anything I needed,
such as cutting up my food for me and encouraging me to ask for help,
when needed. He even washed my dishes after dinner. We
continued our conversation in my living room and, after awhile he put on
music and dimmed the lights. He knelt in front of me, wrapped his arms
around my waist, and swayed back and forth with me as if we were
dancing. And we kissed and we kissed and we kissed. Oh, his kisses were
warm and gentle and passionate. We talked about a relationship between
us and both agreed we were looking for long-term. He said to me,
“I’m not looking for a girlfriend for four or five months. I’m looking
for a committed, long-term relationship.” We also agreed that there
was a lot to talk about and work on. Disabilities bring problems and
pressures into a relationship, but Steve said he wanted to go for it. Steve
worked on the technical side of the film industry and worked a crazy
work schedule; very long hours, several days in a row, and then a week
off every few weeks. His schedule didn’t bother me as far as not being
able to see him for weeks at a time, for he would call me from his job
just about every night; and as long as I knew he was thinking of me and
we could communicate, it was fine with me. The
next time we were together, we ate dinner with my parents and then spent
the evening in my apartment. The apartment, by the way, is in my
parent’s home. I wanted my family to get to know him so that
eventually they would allow him and trust him enough to drive the
handicapped van when we went out together.
I use a motorized chair that doesn’t fold, so we couldn’t use
his car. Being it was the middle of a very cold winter, I was happy to
have our dates at home, but we weren’t going to stay home forever.
Also, I didn’t want my dad to always be dropping me off places to meet
Steve. Our dating would be limited to close-to-home locations. We
enjoyed another beautiful evening together, and I didn’t want him to go
home. Of course, our very warm and intimate evening together came to an
end. There
was something about Steve that bothered me terribly. He seemed to want
to change the person that I am into the person that he thought I should
be. He felt that I should be more independent, living on my own, getting
out more, and traveling more. He said that there are many disabled
people who are doing much more with their lives than I am and that I
could change things if I really wanted to. I understood where he was
coming from and agreed with him. It’s just that he was constantly on
my back, badgering me, criticizing me for wrong decisions I’ve made in
my life. He kept digging into my past, asking question after question
about everything I’ve ever done or haven’t done. He brought out my
fears, weaknesses, and insecurities and seemed to focus on them. Our
phone conversations usually ended up with me in tears. He insisted that
he was not criticizing me and he was being hard on me because he wanted
to “help” me. When did I ever ask for his help, anyway? I wasn’t
looking for therapy sessions. I was looking for a romantic relationship.
With so many of these disturbing chats taking place, I was beginning to
doubt the survival of our relationship. The
third time we were together, he came with me to my social group. I meet
every Thursday with other physically disabled people. We have guest
speakers, luncheons, and meetings relating to issues concerning the
disabled, play games, see videos, or just talk. Steve wanted to meet my
friends in the group. He came and seemed very comfortable, a fact that
some of the people in the group commented on. We had dinner with my
parents that evening and then, finally spent the rest of the evening
alone, in my apartment. That was definitely the most beautiful time we
had together. He was sensitive and very tender. I felt closer to him
than I ever felt to any man, to any human, before. We talked about our
feelings, our relationship, and our plans. I believed that he was truly
serious about making this relationship work, at one point even saying,
“if we get married someday.” I couldn’t believe my ears. Here was
a 46-year-old, never-before-married man who was considering the
possibility of marriage--with me! When Steve left that night, he left me
with such a warm, relaxed feeling, like none I’d ever known. I slept
like a satisfied, well-fed infant. Two
nights later, Steve and I went out to dinner. This was the first time
that my dad let Steve use the van. We met my sister, Angela, and her
fiancé, Frank, and my cousin, Andrea, and her husband, Eddie. We all
had an enjoyable evening and Steve even took pictures of all of us.
Before we went out, he said to me that he took his camera, as this would
be our first picture together. When
we came back home that evening, Steve sat at my kitchen table, drank a
couple of glasses of milk, and we talked a bit. When he got up to leave,
he put on his coat and started to walk towards the door; he then turned
around and gave me a quick kiss good-bye. All night, he had never even
touched my hand and now, upon leaving me, he almost forgot to kiss me!
He said bye and never said anything about calling me. I felt ill
at ease when he left, feeling that something was definitely wrong. The next few weeks Steve hardly called me. I called him a few times and e-mailed him several times. Our phone calls were becoming more and more emotional, with me crying over his very insensitive remarks. I finally asked Steve if he wanted to end the relationship and he said no. He said he wanted to keep trying. He felt it was worth it. I felt he was contradicting himself; sometimes he said things telling me he wanted to keep working at this relationship, other times he was either ignoring me or criticizing me. He talked about us going away together in the summer, but he wasn’t making plans to see me on his days off. The
first week of March, Steve had a week off from work, but said he had to
go to Georgia (we live in New York) to a seminar for his job. The
seminar was on a Wednesday and Thursday. He told me that he was taking a
plane down on Tuesday night and returning on Friday, unless he decided
to go to Montgomery, Alabama, to visit a friend. He promised to call on
Monday before he left. Steve never called before he left or during the
entire time he was down south. I only knew that he went to Alabama
because, while in Georgia, he met with and had dinner with my online
friend, Nancy and her boyfriend. Nancy told me that Steve told them that
he was going to Montgomery. I waited for his call all week and the
following week when I assumed he was back at work. I finally e-mailed
him. He wrote back saying he was extremely busy at work and didn’t
have time to call. It
was the middle of March, one month since I had seen Steve. He finally
called on the 16th. He had a day off, but couldn’t come to see me
because he said he needed to rest after being away for a week, then
coming home and going straight to work. When I asked why he never called
when away, Steve answered that it was difficult calling me at night
because if I’m in bed, I’m not able to get up to answer the phone. I
told him that I felt that was an excuse. He couldn’t find five minutes
out of a week to call me?! I got him to finally admit that he avoided
calling me because all our phone calls seemed to turn into arguments and
tears. We spoke for over two hours that night, resolving nothing. Again he
was contradictory, saying we should cool it a bit, then before saying
good-bye, he said he’d call me in a few days. I
waited and I waited. March 28. Six weeks since we’d seen each other. I
was tired of waiting for Steve to decide what he wanted to do with this
so-called “relationship.” I was tired of feeling anxious and
frustrated, wondering when he was going to tell me that it was over
because, deep inside, I felt that it was truly over. Maybe he wanted to
end it and didn’t know how. Maybe he was just going to drop me. Then,
I felt that Steve just didn’t know what the hell he really wanted.
I decided that it was time for me to get a grip on this situation
and take control of my life. I wrote an e-mail to Steve, saying good-bye.
I knew that if I called him, he would constantly interrupt me and I
would start crying and never explain everything I needed to. Also, in a
letter, I wouldn’t forget what I needed to say. I spent two hours
composing the letter, saved it, went back to it later, and edited it.
When I felt I had said just about everything I needed to say to him, I
sent it. The
following morning, I saw an e-mail from Steve. I was almost afraid to
open, knowing this was truly the end. Also, I didn’t want to be hurt
by nasty remarks that he may have responded with. Being the
unpredictable man that Steve is, I wasn’t sure what kind of response I
would find, but I was almost certain that he would react in some
fashion. I hesitated for a moment before opening the e-mail, and when I
finally clicked on it, I was shocked at what I found. Steve responded
with two short lines. “Good luck, Lin. You’ve said it all.”
That’s all I got! I sat, staring at those words, with tears streaming
down my cheeks. I was hurt at the fact that he didn’t react to
anything I'd said in the letter. He didn’t agree or disagree with
anything I wrote or didn’t suggest we talk on the phone or in person.
I believe that he was probably relieved that I’m the one who said
good-bye. Of course, I can’t be sure of that. I have no idea what, at
that point, he felt, thought, or was planning. I only knew that his very
impersonal response was a quick dismissal. The
weeks are passing and I think of Steve every day and I especially think
of what might have been. He seemed so determined to have a relationship
with me. This was the first time in my life that I was making plans with
a man. I had a future to look forward to. I suppose it wasn’t meant to
be, though. I had very mixed feelings about Steve. Sometimes he was warm
and affectionate; other times he was distant and very insensitive. I
wasn’t in love with Steve, but I did have strong feelings for him, as
he once said he had for me. After
ending it with Steve, I was glad that, for the first time in my life, I
didn’t feel like the victim. I told him exactly how I felt and decided
that I was tired of waiting for him to decide what to do about our
relationship. I took control and made the break. I felt a confidence in
myself and a strength I had never felt before. I didn’t blame myself
for anything. I knew that I had tried and had been willing to make lots of
compromises in order to make this work. It was time to say good-bye.
Unfortunately, it only lasted three months and none of the plans we made
ever came to be. How sad.
|
| Author's Biography My
name is Linda Napolitano. I live in Cedarhurst, New
York. E-mail
Linda at LNapoli245@aol.com
|
Essay
Reviews! Site Reviews! We'd
like to know from our readers if they enjoy Seven Seas Magazine! Do
you have praise or complaints? Suggestions or ideas? Get notified! Would you
like to get notified as soon as new Seven Seas issues are published on
the Web? Tell a friend! Do you
enjoy the Seven Seas site?
|
|
Go back to the table
of contents
|
