October 2002 Issue - Essay # 3
Taxing
the Stupid
By Amy Eastburn
I would love to claim ownership on the idea. Sadly though, I cannot. I cannot in good conscience steal the best idea since foot-pajamas. The idea of taxing the stupid people came from a British comedy show called "Absolutely Fabulous," written by Jennifer Saunders and Dawn French. In it Jennifer’s character Eddie pleads with the court, “Why, oh, why do we pay taxes? To afford bullocky ugly traffic wardens and those bastard railings on shops so that we can’t even get into them? I know they are for stupid people, to keep them from falling into the street, but we’re not all stupid! We don’t all need nurse maiding! Why not just tax the stupid people?" As Jennifer launched into her plea to the judge to lighten her drunk-driving charge, did she actually hit on a novel idea? I say, drunk drivers are people too, damnit! Let’s listen to their ideas. Taxing
only the stupid people would be by far the most economic save since
those non-ozone depleting sprays they have invented in the last 15
years. Think of how much money you could save, assuming, of course, that
you yourself are not the above accused--that’s right, a "stupid
person." That’s right,
no more taking 1/4 of your hard earned income for state and federal
dues. Why should you, as an intelligent hard working person, pay for new
roads and guard railings? Aren’t we smart enough to go around the huge
divits in the road and NOT climb those railings, just to see what’s on
the other side? I think we are; and for the stupid people--let’s
not only tax them, but put a monthly interest on their original taxes?
Oh, yes! They’re stupid, they won’t know the difference! This is not
to express that, as smart people, we have no feelings for the stupid
people of the world; that is why I suggest that they be made to wear a
sign that says, "Stupid Person." That way, at the smart person’s
leisure, we will know who to thank for the new guard railing around
Taco Bell. Now
you’re asking yourself: "Do I know a stupid person?" You will find
yourself looking around you in wonderment. Well, I’ve thought of that,
too. That is why I think every year right before tax season, a form by
the government should be sent to all citizens called "The Stupidity
Test." Probably with such questions like, "What is your name?" and
"Who is the president?" And, of course, these tests will be
administered in a public forum, to cancel out cheating of any kind. I
say, let’s hand out bias as fairly as we can, meaning the same test
for everyone. The stupid people will come falling out of the woodwork. So
now you’re probably saying, "Yes, what a splendid idea!" And if
you’re not saying that, then I should warn you to find a pretty
placard now to wear around your neck so that you’ll be easily
identified. Write your congressman or woman, sign petitions, act
up now to get these tax alterations in full throttle! Like me, the
average intelligent person is sick and tired of throwing hard earned
money down the tubes to the government to get changes that don’t even
directly effect us! And I think we all know that there would be more han enough stupid people to adequately tax to afford these unnecessary
luxuries. Let them foot the bill, I say. By God, if you need a railing
outside a shop to know not to drive your car through it, you shouldn’t
be driving--let alone voting. So,
let this all be food for thought to all you hard working, intelligent
Americans. United we can overcome this wallet gouging every year by
simply pawning it off on all the less productive members of society.
Thank you very much. |
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Author's Biography Amy Eastburn: Wanted in virtually every state for viciously masacaring the English language regularly. At the ripe age of 27, still on the run from the
grammar police, frequenting reclusive coffee haunts in E-mail Amy at Ifairygal26@hotmail.com
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Essay
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