September 2003 Issue - Essay # 2
Wait
For Me
By Caroline
Manley
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This
past January my sister, Jane, and her boyfriend, Kenton, announced that
hey were engaged. I am
extremely happy for her but at the same time I don’t want her to get
married. To me, it just
doesn’t feel right. After
she gets married, her life will differ from mine so greatly, and that
will be just one more thing that sets us apart.
Jane
is four years older than me and while we played with each other all the
time as children, growing up meant growing apart.
When she got into make-up and boys, I was still playing with
Barbies. We really never had
an opportunity to have something in common with one another. During my
whole high school career, I did everything I could to be different than
Jane. Why?
Because to me, she was perfect; I was far from it. I
hated the first day of school, when the teacher would call roll.
When it came down to my name the teacher would say, “Caroline
Manley? Ah!
Jane’s little sister!” I
can’t recall one time that being Jane’s little sister came as a
compliment. I understand how
people become excited knowing that I'm Jane’s younger sister because
we do look a lot a like and sound identical.
That is one thing that has always bothered me--we sound
identical. Even after my
sister moved out and into her own apartment, relatives or friends of the
family would call and when I answered the phone, they would say “Jane!
So good to hear you’re doing so well…”
Didn’t these people realize that there was another person in
the family who might sound similar to Jane and actually lived there?
So the probability of me answering the phone over Jane was 100
times more likely? Apparently
not. So
Jane is an adult now. She
has been for a while. I
admit that I am jealous that she gets to deal with life’s events so
much sooner than I do. She
got to experience college without knowing what to expect.
While for me, college came as a piece of cake because I basically
walked in her footsteps through every experience.
During college, Jane would call home and tell my parents and me about what was happening in her oh-so-interesting-life.
I would then relay this to my friends because it gave me an
advantage over them. I knew
more about what was going to happen in our futures than my friends
without older siblings did. So
it isn’t fair that she gets to experience everything first.
When she moved out of my parents’ house, and started to
purchase things like couches, linens, and kitchen utensils, I was so
pissed because she wasn’t supposed to be interested in those types of
things! For Christmas, we
were supposed to get clothes, CDs and other stuff that was essential to
the lives of a young girl. Now
for Christmas I find myself wandering through Potterybarn thinking to
myself, would she like this serving platter?
How about these place mats? I
don’t want to buy her things like that.
It just doesn’t feel right.
Now
that I am graduating, I am thinking about moving out and getting my own
place. And honestly I can
say that I am anxious to go shopping and buy the necessities one needs
for their home. I saw an
infomercial the other night, and this man was selling knives.
I actually thought to myself, “Man, I can’t wait until I own
a nice set of knives.” Wait,
what did I just say? Since
when do I take an interest in cutlery?
This desire to have something so simple crosses my mind
daily. I understand now why
Jane got so excited when she purchased drapes.
I remember thinking to myself, 'Drapes—my sister actually called
me to tell me she bought new drapes. So now that I’m so close to graduation, and so close to finally having something in common with her (the love for drapes) she goes ahead and gets engaged. This sends me to the back of the line. Now at family gatherings, when everyone is questioning her about the engagement and when the wedding is, I will sit and listen to how happy everyone is for her. So if I interrupt and say, “Hey, everyone, I got my own place!” Everyone will stare at me with blank faces. 'Opps,'I will think to myself, I forgot, Jane’s already been through the I-got-my-own-apartment phase and had taken my entire family through it as well. There isn’t any excitement left in it for me. I
knew that Kenton was going to propose to Jane before she did.
I have to say that it was one of the happiest moments in my life.
All I could do was imagine how she was going to feel when he
finally did it. I was so
happy for her and couldn’t wait until it was over, and they were
finally engaged. But I am
jealous; I want someone to love me as much as Kenton loves her.
I know, however, that my day will come where I will become
engaged and the excitement of planning a wedding will be at my
fingertips. But for me, I
know that while planning it, references to Jane’s perfect wedding will
come up. “Well, when Jane
was planning her wedding she did this….”
Will I ever have an event that sets me apart from her?
Will I ever have a day to shine? It's hard to explain my feelings but, in a sense, I feel like Jane’s life
is so interesting that everyone would want to read her autobiography.
Well, with my book, it seems like it’s just going to be an
extension of hers. I’m
merely an echo of Jane’s award-winning novel.
As bad as it sounds, I almost wish I used to be addicted to drugs
or something of the sort. Something
like that would have set me apart from Jane so much, that maybe for a
minute, Jane would think to herself, 'That is one experience that I
have never dealt with.' And
then, and only then, would I be able to say that I am different from
her. But in reality, I am
her “mini-me.” By no
means am I jealous that she is engaged and I’m not.
It just makes me sad knowing that after so many years of trying
to catch up to her, I will inevitably always be behind.
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Author's Biography Caroline
Marie Manley, graduated from E-mail
Caroline at
caroline_manley@hotmail.com
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Essay
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